If you're in the mood for some ramblings on motherhood, you're in luck!
But first, a brief note about your babies looking at each other. To have two beings that you grew in your body and brought into this world, then grow and become cognizant of each other, and not only that, grow in love for each other, and then also express joy at seeing the other....I MEAN. C'MON. It's the best thing on the planet earth.
It was really hard to drop off the girls at daycare this week. I walked away with my heart aching, my arms feeling empty and the car felt eerily quiet as I drove off to work. Some weeks are harder than others when it comes to being away from them, and this was one of those weeks.
Our days are full, from the moment we rise to the moment we fall into our beds. But even at the weariest, there is a tinge of sweetness to it all because it is summer. Thank goodness for summer. Bare arms and legs are happy to be free and the longer days make us all feel a little more free, even with our schedules. Motherhood these days has me thinking about how I am just one version of my ever changing self. I remember a time when a busy life with one kid seemed packed to the brim, but now there is two, and more house, and more responsibilities and somehow, we are content. That tells me that as life gets fuller, we expand. Our heart's capacity to hold and handle gets bigger, in a way you don't think possible. You also get much better at saying no to things and saying yes to the right things.
So every spare moment is filled with something these days and I'm trying to figure out not just our priorities, but what things I can do without right now. I love this age that Sloane and Logan are right now and I'm sharply aware that it will slip through my fingers all too soon. That knowledge helps me see everything in hyper focus. It's crazy; trying to get out the door with both girls by 6:50AM, getting back home a little after 6:00PM and then having to put Logan to sleep just an hour later at 7:00PM. It can get taxing physically, but also emotionally. What is this ridiculousness? The time I have with Logan is too short and I'm feeling the brunt of that. I'm trying to make up for it with the half day that I get on Fridays if I get into work earlier during the rest of the week, and after a couple of weeks of practice we seem to have gotten the hang of the schedule. These days I'm telling myself to pay attention along the way: get an extra hug while dressing Sloane, say thanks to Ken for the little things that he does, give Rusty a thorough pat and ear scratch, look at both my girls lovingly while enjoying our brief breakfast time together.
This week I've just been wanting/needing to spend as much time with my girls, without the pressure of anything else. I want to be fully present during that hour with Logan, so I try to prep our dinners the night before, which means I won't be distracted with trying to get dinner on the table when we get home. I want to be fully present for Sloane, so I've been going slow with her bedtime routine, and reading more than I usually do, stopping to talk about various parts. (We are reading Charlotte's Web together! And it is so fun going through it with her.) I haven't gone to the gym the past few days because the stress of having to get out the door at a certain time means I rush time with both of them, and sometimes it means dishes don't get done, dinner might not be prepped, and lunches don't get packed until the next morning. I haven't done any of the house projects that I still have on my list, because I knew it would drain me in a way that would prevent me from fully enjoying time with the girls. Some weeks, I can make it all work (and I am so grateful for time I get to be at the gym), but this week, I just really needed to be mentally all in for them and that's what I did. This is what is good for all of us right now.
These days, motherhood is taking a deep breath when I want to lose my temper because I feel frazzled. I've had these near miss moments recently when we have gone out to eat - both Sloane and Logan will not stay in their seat (Logan wants to climb out of her high chair and Sloane wants to wander to explore), which makes for a trying meal.
Yesterday, parenthood was getting down on eye level with Sloane along with Ken and having a long talk with her about why it is important for her to stay in her seat during meal time and how it important it is to obey. Today, parenthood was feeling amazed, thankful and humbled at how well Sloane seemed to have heard that message by her actions and obedience during said meal times.
These days, motherhood is being extremely content with any moment that contains my family. I have the thought of, "Wow. This right here is the best moment of my life." in the middle of the smallest of moments: when I'm nursing Logan and her small hand is curled up around my finger, when Ken leans over and gives me three kisses on the lips, when Sloane tells me something she has found funny and laughs with all of her body.
Tomorrow, motherhood is going to be waking up with excitement to greet my girls, letting them love me and need me to their heart's content, and basking in the joy of being their mother.
Here's a photo that Ken's cousin, Karen, sent me earlier today that her fiance took of us and I'm going to include it here because it's such a sweet capture of us. Sloane's smile, Logan's cheeks, and my contentment.