Logan is one month today.
These days... I pick her up and feel the swoosh of love come up my spine and over my shoulder, down my arms and into my hands that hold her. I hope she feels that swoosh. I nuzzle her warm body into my neck and smell her; she smells like softness. I kiss her face, covering every square inch, as she closes her eyes when she feels my lips come close to her lids. I hold her and watch her sleep. I hold her and we watch each other. Hi baby. Hi mama.
There are days when she goes three hours between feedings, and some nights when she goes four hours and it's wonderful. Then there are those days and nights when she wants to nurse every two hours and I can feel myself float out of my body from exhaustion and I want to turn to Ken and ask him to take over the nursing for a day...but alas. I remind myself that this is my job right now, to plump up this baby, to nuzzle her, and to keep feeling these swooshes of love. That's my job, and I revel in it. I can do this, I remind myself, as I look my older daughter, healthy and brilliant and full of life.
She is a lot like Sloane at this age, and sometimes my brain thinks I am doing that all over again. They are similar in that they were and are good babies. They eat and sleep without much ado. But there are differences... Sloane made squawking dinosaur noises, Logan squeaks instead, and also has these adorable baby cooing noises that I never heard from Sloane. Sloane's cries were loud, while Logan cries are extremely high pitched. Wow, Ken and I will say looking at each other, eyebrows raised, as Logan hits notes that seem impossible for a human to hit. Maybe she'll be a singer.
She is getting chunky and rolls are appearing everywhere, on her arms especially, and her cheeks - oh her cheeks - are getting tremendous. She nurses, efficiently, but almost always falls asleep before she's done. I spend a lot of time trying to wake her up so that she can finish.
It's such a joy to see those fingers and arms plump up. They are still so tiny, though. I finger her feet and they are like pebbles in my hands. Her toes are tiny bubbles. Her fingers are getting stronger and she clutches my shirt as she holds me, as she nurses, as leverage as she tries to lift her head.
I'm really enjoying her right now- how tiny she is, how helpless, how miraculous. I know from experience that this time goes by so fast and it will become a distant memory that I will try to recall now and then. Thank you God, for this time. Thank you even for how fleeting it is, because I have to learn how to stay in this moment in order to fully take it in. Thank you for how you are going to grow this babe, I will trust in you.
P. S. For the sake of comparison, Sloane at week 2 and 3...wearing the same onesie!