Since we first found out about the pregnancy, I have experienced a whole range of emotions and thoughts. Here are some the different phases: first, it was elation and pure excitement. Then, a strange sort of guilt (this one is hard to explain but it had something to do with bringing another baby into the world that already has so many children that need homes and families), which eventually resolved into a peace and joy. Then came the nausea and exhaustion, and then several rounds of a cold that just wouldn't quit. Then came relief at not being sick or exhausted (around the beginning of the second trimester). Then I started thinking about how another baby was going to make it that much harder for me to pursue anything on the side having to do with my passions or hobbies, which then swung into giddy excitement about holding a newborn babe in my arms again. Then I started fantasizing about Sloane and this baby together, and thinking about how great Sloane would be as an older sister. This started all of my thoughts and prayers and hopes for what our family will look like as a family of four. And then most recently, my thoughts are wrestling with what it will mean to be a mother of two with this current job that I have. It's not the most flexible of jobs and if I thought juggling a work-life balance during that first year with just one baby was rough, it's hard to grasp what it will be like with two....
So that's where I am right now. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the change that will come in regards to going back to work and trying to do life with two kids, while still maintaing the quality of life. To be honest, I can't help fantasize about what it would be like to have the first year of this baby's life off of work - mostly because of breastfeeding (I hate pumping, I hate it) - and because it just makes sense, in the world of motherhood that you would be taking care of your baby at all times during their first year of life. But that is not what makes sense for the workplace apparently, and I keep telling myself that I made it through with Sloane's first year- I'll just be more experienced at it this time around. I am getting really good at self-pep talks.
This past month, I had a lot of back pain. It was probably a combination of some growth spurts and the fact that it's getting uncomfortable to be sitting at a desk for 8-9 hours a day. I try to take breaks and walk around during the work day but it gets so busy sometimes I don't even get to take a lunch break, which leaves my back aching. Taking walks do help though, as does working out, which is why I've started to look forward to my crossfit workout that much more. I usually end up feeling great afterwards, thanks to the combination of endorphins and all the mobility.
This past month, Ken and I got to spend some time really connecting. We had a period of days where we stayed up for hours just talking (one time until 2:30 AM and it was a weekday!) and I have never felt closer to this life partner of mine. We are experiencing a sweet time of being kind and intimate to each other, learning how to respect and support each other even more than before and continually working on our communication and connection. We've also danced a lot recently, which is just an extra bonus. I think I've fallen in love with my husband all over again this past month.
This past month, the baby is moving so much more, all the time. It's getting to the point where some kicks and movements are uncomfortable - they are so big and insistent. But I love it. I feel a warm squeeze around my heart when I imagine the tiny baby moving around in there, growing and absorbing everything around her. I love you so much already, baby.
This past month, everytime Sloane sees my bare belly while I'm changing, she squeals with delight and yells, "Baby!!" And then runs over to give my belly a hug and a kiss. It is the best thing. She also has been saying, "I want baby sister to come out now!" And I remind her to be patient for just a while longer, even though I'm with her....
Just for fun: 7 months the last time around!