Wednesday, July 30, 2014


I have some thoughts about turning 31 years old.  Bottom line, I'm pretty sure I like myself better each year. That is to say, I know myself better, and with the knowing, comes the perspective, the honesty, the acceptance. Knowing myself better seems to mean that I am better equipped overall to deal with life.

Real talk, I don't always like myself, and I have days when I am 15 years old all over again, unsure of who I am and trying to keep up appearances and wondering if so-and-so likes me. I have weeks where I am wondering what the heck I am doing with my life.  I have nights where I feel discouraged. But I know myself so much better than when I was in my teens or my twenties. I know my strengths and my weaknesses and I see them in the light of a redemption story.  I believe myself a little more when I have to give myself a pep talk about my identity and purpose.

I don't feel my age. But I love being this age. I loved sitting on that porch swing that afternoon this past weekend, in all of its white and sturdy glory. I loved sitting there, looking out at green as far as my eyes could see, friends nearby and the breeze keeping me in the present. I felt like a rich woman. Rich in peace.

It's important for me to feel tethered, I guess, is one thing I've learned. As important as feeling free. And then there is this: "We happen upon ourselves when nothing much happens to us." (-Anthony Lane).

I love my birthday because I love the reminder of a year past, and another year to come. It measures my days, it measures my growth and wealth of experiences. I can't help but feel gratitude welling up out from my chest and squeezing out of my ears from the sheer overwhelmingness of it all.

On a walk this past weekend, we spotted what looked like wild raspberries, and a few of us returned later that afternoon to pick to our heart's delight. Later we learned that they were wineberries and there was bushes and bushes of them, spread out every which way. The berries were perfectly ripe and so incredibly sweet, we could hardly believe our luck.  We felt even luckier when these wineberries made their way into beautiful crepes later on that night, topped with bourbon whipped cream and chocolate shavings. 

1 comment: