Wednesday, September 18, 2013


i gotta say, i am feeling a little out of sorts lately.

i went to the grocery store the other day because i was thirsty for a watermelon. and only an entire melon would do. i was aghast to find that where there is usually a large bin of watermelons, there were pumpkins instead. i stared at the aggressively orange bumpy circles and let the disappointment wash over me.  pumpkins!

friends, i am not ready for summer to end. as much as i love the fall, i know that fall means that winter is up next and i shrivel up a little in the winter.

i am not ready to give up warm summer nights and the freedom of walking out in my bare feet. i am not ready to stuff my baby into so many clothes and chase around socks every morning to put on her feet. i am not ready for cold bones. 

may i state the painfully obvious here? the seasons come, ready or not.  i will bear down, enjoy the hells out of fall, and push through the winter.  after all, christmas is in there somewhere. and i'm wildly confident that a bout of apple picking will almost be worth leaving summer for. 

i finally did get my hands on a watermelon.  ken came to the rescue with a watermelon he found at costco.

 i also found myself at a starbucks one evening while i was running errands, and falling asleep while doing so, and decided a dose of caffeine was in order.  i saw the pumpkin latte on the menu, heaved a dramatic sigh, and ordered one as my way of saying, 'hey fall, i see you, come on in.'


yes, I'm grieving the end of summer, but trying to be all -  what's next? An adventure! The story unfolds - that sort of a thing .

 i weaned sloane off the boob as of last week. it was a relatively smooth transition for both of us over the span of a month. after she turned one, i dropped a feeding each week. i made the decision to do this based on several factors; the main reason being that i felt both sloane and I were ready to move on. I am proud of myself for nursing all throughout this last year and I am proud of sloane for transitioning like she did. 'we're rockstars!' i told her. we replaced nursing snuggles for book-reading snuggles. she loves bringing me books and snuggling into my lap to be read to every morning and evening. i love it too.

but it has also been tough these past few weeks. i kept my eyeballs peeled for depression because i had heard that it was a thing that could happen, but what came first was all sorts of unexpected physical changes. i had all the symptoms of pregnancy and i panicked: I took tests; went to the doctors, and worried that if i wasn't pregnant, there was something wrong with my IUD. i was uncomfortably bloated, the 5-6 hours of sleep that i had been getting used to was not nearly enough, i had piercing pain in my breasts, there was blood in the toilet and i didn't physically feel like myself. then I started noticing how blah I felt all the time. it wasn't notable at first, but it was as if everything had been turned down to a dull roar. like the difference between watching a vivid and riveting television show and having it be background noise while you stare out a window. i didn't necessarily feel sad, i just felt also disconcerting was how i secure I felt all of a sudden about my appearance. i wanted to wear paper bags over my head and body all the time and it got increasingly difficult to get trough a work day. i still don't feel entirely back my normal self, but I am aware that this is the transition phase. i got confirmation from my doc that my physical symptoms are probably due to my body adjusting after the weaning and getting itself back on a cycle. And physiologically, my prolactin and oxytocin (them love hormones) levels are dropping and my body is trying to get me back on track.  this body of mine has been doing pretty amazing things thus far; here's hoping it sees me through this chapter. 

so i guess what i'm saying here is that even when you are ready for something, the change isn't easy. (is this just me? I used to thrive on change, but it is getting harder, the older I get ...) but what kind of story has no changes in it? what kind of story is about a girl having her experiences be exactly how she expected? that's not a story at all....!


  1. my friend. you are a superstar. i'm not sure i know anyone who could have handled all this "change" as gracefully as you. i love you!
    secondly. that picture of s. killssss me! the slight pout in her lips, arms crossed and "hmmph" - no words.

  2. According to Paul Jack TED, dancing, or prayer might help to get feeling better.